Who's Your Daddy: More South Lake Press Buffoonery

It's been a while since I've written about the horrible problems in the South Lake Press.

It isn't because there haven't been problems. For instance, I didn't say a thing about their article last week about the MAIT basketball tournament. Well, to be fair, I did post a vague mention of errors in the South Lake Press on Twitter. But I didn't make a big deal of it, even though they wrote this:

Daniel Katuka, who scored five points in the third, contributed to the comeback.

In the opening seconds of the fourth quarter, a pair of free throws by Katuka gave Montverde a 45-44 lead -- the Eagles first advantage since the second quarter.

That's very clearly false. A more accurate report of Daniel Katuka's actions during the third and fourth quarters would go like this:

Daniel Katuka, wearing jeans on the Montverde sidelines, cheered enthusiastically for his teammates during the third and fourth quarters.

Because the thing is, Daniel Katuka didn't play in that game.

Anyway, that error isn't nearly as bad (I almost wrote "provocative") as this one, which is from an article in the Community section of today's edition titled "Trying Something New in the Bedroom." The article's written by Tori Kelley, Ph.D.

Now, I'm going to resist all the temptations to say something crass here. (I mean, how is it that this headline makes it to the front page of one of the sections of the local paper?) And I'm going to resist critiquing any of the advice that they give this poor guy (who styles himself "Who's Your Daddy") (I'm not even kidding). No, I'm not going to take the bait and write about Dr. Kelley's advice "to pretend in your imagination that the two of you are doing something different, while you are being intimate with her." Nope, I'm not going to touch that one.

Instead, I'm just going to point out the importance of choosing the correct subordinating conjunction:

Take a bath together, where you put the kids to bed, light the candles, and pick out soft music, then scoop her up and put her in the tub.

My students will, of course, be drawn immediately to the comma splice, that error above all errors that even a lowly high-school sophomore would avoid at all costs, but I'll let that one go for now.

Not because it isn't wrong, but because it isn't funny.

Of course a comma splice is wrong, horribly wrong--and it's not the only one in the article--but what's funny here is the incorrect subordinating conjunction. What's funny is telling Mr. "Who's Your Daddy" to take a bath where he puts the kids to bed. Especially when it's the clear intention of Mr. "Who's Your Daddy" to put the moves (and, from the sounds of it, he has something kinky in mind that she just doesn't dig) on his wife.

Now, I don't have a Ph.D., so maybe you want to listen to Dr. Kelley instead of me, but I'm going to suggest taking a bath when you put the kids to bed. Or maybe after. But to each his own, I suppose. If getting all soapy and sexy where your kids sleep is what Dr. Tori Kelley is into, who am I to judge?